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I was happy he had arrived safely, but…

“After I had my first son, they placed him on my chest where he began to cry. I was happy he had arrived safely but waited for this movie moment where I fell in love. Days stretched into weeks and I struggled making enough milk for him. As someone who helps people breastfeed for a living, I felt like a failure. Thoughts of failing snowballed from there. Why was everyone else doing better than me?

As weeks became months, I fell in love with my son just as a had hoped. I describe our beginning as a slow burn. Of course I loved him, but rather than an immediate explosion of feelings, my love grew slowly. I was overwhelmed with how this little person was changing my life. It would be nearly 6 months before I admitted my fears of failing to anyone. I had been too ashamed to speak it out loud. I worried constantly. I snapped at my husband all the time. I never slept even though I was exhausted. As I came out of what I thought was a postpartum fog, I realized in was actually a PMAD fog. Many of the challenges I faced weren’t normal as I had thought. I wish I could go back in time and get those early months back to enjoy and soak up my newborn. I can’t do that, but I can help other moms avoid feelings those same things.”

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